6 signs you’re not actually happy in your relationship, according to psychology (2024)

There’s a big difference between thinking you’re happy in your relationship and truly being content.

Sometimes, we convince ourselves that everything’s fine when, deep down, it’s not. We ignore the signs, brush off our feelings, and pretend it’s all sunshine and roses.

But let’s be real—it’s not always that simple.

As the founder of Hack Spirit and a mindfulness and Buddhism expert, I’ve spent years studying human behavior and relationships.

In this article, I’ll reveal the signs you’re not actually happy in your relationship, according to psychology. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s better to face the truth than live in denial.

So, let’s dive in, shall we?

1) You’re constantly seeking validation

Relationships are a two-way street. It’s about giving and receiving love, support, and validation. However, if you find yourself constantly seeking validation from your partner, it may be a sign that you’re not really happy.

Psychology tells us that when we’re content in our relationships, we feel secure and validated without the need for constant reassurance. It’s a natural by-product of being in a healthy and satisfying relationship.

But if you’re always seeking approval or affirmation from your partner, it could indicate underlying insecurities and dissatisfaction in your relationship.

I would suggest taking a moment to reflect on why you feel this need for validation. Is it because you’re not getting the emotional support you need? Or is it because you don’t feel valued or loved?

Understanding your feelings can be the first step towards addressing the issues in your relationship and finding true happiness.

2) You’re always on the defensive

Being in a relationship should feel like being part of a team. You and your partner are there to support each other, not to constantly argue or defend your actions.

If you find yourself always on the defensive, it’s a clear sign that something’s not quite right. It could be that there’s a lack of trust or understanding, or perhaps you’re feeling judged or criticized more than you should.

As Thich Nhat Hanh, a renowned Buddhist monk, once said, “To be loved means to be recognized as existing.” If your partner’s actions or words are making you feel unseen or unheard, it’s time to address the issue.

In my personal experience, open and honest communication is key in these situations. It’s important to express how you’re feeling and why, without falling into the trap of blame or resentment.

3) The small things bother you

In the grand scheme of things, small annoyances should just be that – small. But if you find yourself getting excessively irritated by your partner’s habits or behaviors, it could be a sign of deeper discontentment in your relationship.

Buddhist teachings often remind us that anger or irritation is not caused by external events themselves, but by our reaction to them. The same principle applies to relationships.

If you’re frequently getting upset over minor things – like your partner forgetting to take out the trash or leaving their clothes on the floor – it may be a reflection of your unhappiness within the relationship.

It’s critical to remember that no one is perfect, and we all have our quirks and habits. However, if these small irritations are causing significant distress, it’s worth reflecting on why that might be.

Are these annoyances just the tip of the iceberg? Are they indicative of deeper frustrations or resentments within your relationship?

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but being honest with yourself is the first step towards understanding what’s really going on in your relationship. And only then can you start working towards finding true happiness and contentment.

4) You’re living in the past

Mindfulness teaches us the importance of living in the present moment. It’s about appreciating the here and now, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

But if you find yourself constantly reminiscing about the “good old days” of your relationship, it could be a sign that you’re not truly happy with where things stand right now.

It’s perfectly natural to have fond memories of the early days – the excitement of getting to know each other, the first “I love you”, the blissful honeymoon phase.

But if you’re always looking back and comparing your current relationship to how it used to be, it might indicate that something is missing in the present.

Are you longing for a connection that’s no longer there? Are you missing how your partner used to treat you? Or are you simply not satisfied with how your relationship has evolved?

Mindfulness encourages us to face our realities without judgement or resistance. So take some time out to reflect on your feelings, and understand what they’re trying to tell you about your relationship.

It might be uncomfortable, but it’s crucial for your happiness and wellbeing.

5) You feel emotionally drained

At the end of the day, your relationship should be a source of support, love, and happiness. But if you’re constantly feeling emotionally drained, it’s a clear indication that something’s amiss.

Whether it’s the constant arguments, feeling misunderstood, or just the lack of emotional connection, these things can take a toll on your well-being.

It’s like being in a boat with a hole – no matter how hard you try to stay afloat, you can’t help but feel like you’re sinking.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I delve into the concept of self-care and emotional health from a Buddhist perspective.

A key aspect of this is understanding that it’s not selfish to want to feel emotionally fulfilled and happy in your relationship. It’s about respecting your needs and setting healthy boundaries.

6) You’re not being true to yourself

Lastly, take a look at how you’re living your life. Are you being true to yourself or compromising too much?

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, being true to yourself is pivotal to living a fulfilling and meaningful life.

If you find yourself changing your habits, beliefs, or behaviors to fit into your partner’s mold, it could be a sign that you’re not genuinely happy in your relationship.

Perhaps you’re holding back your true feelings to avoid conflict, or maybe you’re pretending to enjoy things that you don’t really care for because your partner likes them.

These are all signs that you’re not being true to yourself. And while compromise is a crucial aspect of any relationship, there’s a fine line between compromise and losing your individuality.

Each person is unique and valuable in their own right. If your relationship is causing you to dilute your authenticity, it’s time to pause and reflect.

Remember, authentic happiness in a relationship comes when both partners can be their true selves without fear of judgment or rejection.

Ask yourself: Are you being true to who you are? Or are you wearing a mask to keep the peace in your relationship?

Being honest with yourself might be painful, but it’s the first step towards reclaiming your happiness and authenticity.

Final thoughts

Being truly happy in a relationship is not just about feeling good all the time. It’s about self-awareness, authenticity, balance, and being true to your own needs and desires.

If you’ve recognized any of these signs in your own relationship, it’s crucial to remember that acknowledging the problem is the first step towards finding a solution.

It may be challenging, but take some time to reflect on your feelings and what they’re trying to tell you about your relationship. Remember, being honest with yourself is the key to finding genuine happiness.

For more insights into leading a fulfilling life with mindfulness and Buddhist teachings, I invite you to check out my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego.

It’s a guide aimed at helping you navigate life’s challenges with wisdom and grace, while staying true to who you are. Because at the end of the day, finding true happiness starts with you.